


Monkey King Business

by Priestlyislove



Category: Lupin III
Genre: Brief Depictions of Violence, Gen, Humor, Minor Character Death, Shrinking, Teasing, The boys are a lil sexist but they get their asses handed to them, a little pinch of angst, episode rewrite, red jacket, s01e67
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-13 09:01:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29150889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Priestlyislove/pseuds/Priestlyislove
Summary: This episode is a lot of fun as is, but I thought it could use some little changes
Comments: 4
Kudos: 6





	Monkey King Business

The isolated micronation of Kimasan was said to possess a huge amount of treasure. This made it a tantalizing prospect for thieves worldwide, even though it had been officially closed off for over a thousand years and any criminals who succeeded in sneaking in were never seen on the outside again. But this only served to make it more intriguing to thieves of a certain breed, thieves like Lupin the third who only liked treasure as much as they liked the chase.

An entry permit was granted to a group of scholars who wished to recreate the iconic trek from Journey to the West, which provided the perfect opportunity for the gang to not only get into the country, but be warmly received by it. All they had to do was switch clothes with the cosplayers and take their visa. The only hiccup they faced on the road was a run in with Zenigata, but that had never slowed them down before.

After making their way through the only entrance to the country, a thin corridor through the mountains, Fujiko cried out, causing the other three to freeze. She hurried ahead of them and knelt down, scooping up rocks from the path. “Oh, look, look! It’s gold, I really think it’s gold!”

They relaxed and Jigen grumbled about hysteria as Lupin walked over to Fujiko. She handed him a glittery rock, her eyes sparkling just as brightly. He looked it over, “No kidding.” 

“Look, there’s more over there!” Fujiko fumbled with her sack as she filled it up. 

“Fujiko dear, if there’s gold littered along the streets, the treasure at the palace has to be way bigger, right? Let’s not waste time here.” Lupin called after her, but she ignored him entirely, running off giddily. 

“Hmph. Women can be quite a handful.” Goemon nodded thoughtfully. He opened an eye, “Someone’s approaching.” He redirected Lupin’s attention to the horse drawn carriage coming into view over the hills. Once it had reached them, it stopped and two beautiful women donning kimonos stepped out.

“You must be the scholars from the International Folk Academy,” one spoke warmly, “Our leaders Kinkaku and Ginkaku have sent us to welcome you.”

“Like the Journey to the West characters?” Lupin’s mind immediately went to the demon brothers from the story. The girl who had spoken pulled out an oddly shaped container, and he couldn’t help but tense up, remembering the magical item the purple gold red gourd the brothers used. If you respond to being called in front of it, you would get sucked in and dissolved in acid. He relaxed again as he remembered it was only a story, and magical gourds did not exist. The girls noticed his change in posture, evident from their giggling. 

“It is only a sake container,” the other girl brought out a sakazuki for her to pour the sake into. “Please sirs, have some sake to relax. It is a gift. You, in the Son Goku costume, take off that monkey mask.”

“It’s not a mask!” Lupin pulled at his cheeks, “I was born with this monkey face, thank you very much!”

Still, he took the sakazuki, and went to drink from it, only to be stopped by Jigen grabbing his arm, “Hang on a second. What do your leaders want with us?”

“Only to play a game of Shogi.”

“It was brought to our country by Sanzo Hoshi,” the other girl supplied, “it’s our most respected national game. Won’t you please come play with us?”

“Of course we will!” 

Lupin’s monkey face was pulled on yet again, but this time by Jigen. He whispered, “What are you sayin’? You have no clue how to play shogi!”

“It’s fine, this way we don’t even have to sneak in,” Lupin whispered back. Suddenly, the sake began fizzing and bubbling violently. “Woah!”

Lupin tossed it, but a pink cloud rose from it, and as Lupin collapsed, he was able to see Jigen and Goemon also fall to their knees before his vision faded entirely.

When he came to, he was in a crowded prison cell. He recognized many of his infamous cellmates immediately; Gangster Joe, Dom the Assassin, and others who had vanished from the underground. Clearly, they had had the same idea about sneaking in to steal the untold treasures of Kimasan. That was easy to understand, easier to understand than the height of the ceiling in the cell. The walls seemed to stretch up endlessly. Who would build such a tall prison? That could wait, he supposed. He nudged Jigen and Goemon, who were starting to wake up.

Just in time for the floor to shake beneath them. The tremors just kept growing in size, as if something gigantic was approaching. Suddenly, a wall began to move. Everyone got to their feet and backed away. It was not a wall at all, but an enormous door, and stepping through it were two enormous demons. 

There was no other way to describe them. Their skin was unnatural hues of red and blue, they had grotesque protruding horns and fangs, and most shockingly of all, they were ten times the size of humans. The others in the cell began kneeling. 

Before being able to process the situation any more, Lupin was picked up by the scruff of his shirt by the red one, Kinkaku, if he was to really believe they existed. It was hard not to believe in what was lifting you hundreds of meters in the air. 

“How does it feel, Lupin the third? You humans are not used to being on the bottom of the totem pole, but in this country, humans are mere insects to be ruled by my brother and I!” 

Lupin pulled out his pistol, but Kinkaku flicked it away. Goemon and Jigen reached for their weapons. “Don’t move!” Kinkaku barked, grabbing Lupin with his other hand, this time by curling a fist around him. “If you move a centimeter, he will be crushed.” They stopped, and he grinned, showing Lupin rows of teeth that were practically as big as he was. “Now, we will be playing human shogi in order to determine if my brother or I will be leading this country from here on out. We didn’t have enough pieces, which is why we laid this trap for you, Lupin!”

He pulled out a shogi piece that really was as big as Lupin, and pressed it against his back. He closed a clasp around his waist, and Lupin was unable to pry it open and free himself. Ginkaku laughed loudly. “Let the game begin, then!”

What followed was the rest of the prisoners being fitted with their own oversized pieces and being placed on a board big enough to be a football stadium. The demon brothers began ordering them to move to certain spots. It was like a fever dream, and it only got stranger.

“Lance at 9-2!” Ginkaku called out. It was the first time one of Lupin’s group was played, and Goemon reacted with his signature stubbornness, naturally, not obeying. Ginkaku responded by flicking him, causing him to be thrown several spaces forward. Jigen and Lupin rushed to his side, but were easily picked up by Kinkaku and returned to their spots on his side of the board.

“Don’t move on your own!” He reprimanded before making his move, “Okay, bishop at 4-3! Bishop take rook!”

The two men began shooting at each other. The demons cheered for their pieces to kill on another, until the bishop was shot in the chest and collapsed. Kinkaku lifted him and tossed him off the board. 

“This is crazy!” Lupin scooched closer to Jigen. “We’re gonna get killed if this continues!”

Jigen grimaced. “Yeah, it’ll be even worse if they make us fight against Goemon.”

As if on cue, Kinkaku made the order, “Knight at 2-6, take lance!”

Jigen ran over to Goemon, and they began fighting with the simple weapons they had been carrying as part of their costumes. 

“Stop it!” Lupin tried to keep his voice down, “No killing each other allowed! Guys! I’m serious!”

“Calm yourself, we’re faking it,” Goemon hissed back, and Lupin felt a little silly for not figuring that out himself. After a few minutes of them pretending to be locked in battle, the demons got restless.

“I think they’re faking!” Kinkaku yelled.

“Hey, Jigen! Goemon!” Ginkaku grabbed a gourd shaped container from the side of the board. 

“What?” They both responded, and a great gust lifted them off their feet and swept them inside the gourd.

“J-Jigen! Goemon!” Lupin shouted out, but it didn’t do any good. They were gone. Either already dissolved or still writhing in their last moments. Lupin balled his hands into fists to stop them from trembling. He had to get serious. He couldn’t die here. He had to survive, for their sake. 

The game continued. Lupin fought off the pieces sent his way without remorse, as if they really were just shogi pieces he was knocking off the board as opposed to human lives he was taking. It didn’t matter. None of them had the right to live if Jigen and Goemon were gone.

He was wearing thin as the attacks kept coming his way, but pressed on with all the strength he could muster. When he felt weak, he focused on what he had lost, and steeled himself. He had to live. It didn’t matter if he had to keep going until his body fell apart, he had to live. 

“Time out!” Kinkaku called out. 

“What? There’s no time out!” Ginkaku complained. “You’re just being a sore loser! One more move and I’ve got you for sure!” 

“Just one time out!”

Ginkaku stood up, grabbing his gourd. “Fine! Take all the time you need. I want a break anyway.” 

He walked away, and Kinkaku sighed as he slumped in his seat. After staring at the board for a long time, he pulled out a book of shogi rules. Once Lupin was certain he was fully engrossed, he motioned for the other players to follow him, and they made their way over to the edge of the table. They began carefully climbing down the table leg. 

As they ran across the floor, Kinkaku realized they were missing from the board and roared out curses. He chased after them and began stomping on them. Lupin slid under the door frame, but no one followed. He let out a breath. He was the only survivor of human shogi. 

But his troubles were far from over. The vibrations of giant footsteps threatened to knock him off his feet. He scurried over to the closest thing he could hide behind, the leg of another giant table. The steps were coming from the other direction, so it must’ve been Ginkaku, Lupin reasoned. 

But the huge feet that stepped down next to him did not seem to belong to either demon. They were a soft pink color, and though wider than an redwood, they were too slender to support the burly frames belonging to the brothers.

“Where is everybody…?”

A voice thundered out, and Lupin ran out from under the table without thinking. All he needed to know was that was the voice of Fujiko, and he dearly needed to see a friend after everything he had been through. Even if that friend was freakishly big. “Fujiko!” 

Fujiko covered her mouth with her hand to stop herself from screaming, and immediately tried to stomp him. 

“Aah! Wait, wait! Fujicakes!” 

She stopped, wide eyed, and crouched down until she was sitting. “Lupin…? How is this possible? You’re so small!”

“You’re the one who’s become a giant!” Lupin ran closer and hugged her knee. “But I don’t care! I’m so happy to see you!” 

“R-right...are Goemon and Jigen also…?” Fujiko slowly shifted to glance over her shoulder at the bottom of her shoes, as if to check she didn’t step on them. 

Lupin’s hands curled around the fabric of her outfit. “They didn’t make it,” he spoke quietly. 

“I can barely hear you,” Fujiko sighed, and jabbed Lupin in the legs with her hand. He took the invitation to crawl up onto her hand, and she lifted him closer to her face. “What did you say?”

“They’re gone. They were dissolved in acid.”

“Oh my god!” Fujiko stood up, knocking Lupin off his balance and causing him to fall onto his rear end. Still safely on her hand, at least. “Oh, how terrible!” 

“We should retrieve their bones to take back home,” Lupin got back up on his feet, “they’re inside Ginkaku’s gourd.” 

“Ginkaku? Like from Journey to the West?”

“I’ll tell you about it while we look.” 

Fujiko nodded. She lifted him to her shoulder, “are you okay sitting here?” 

He slid off her hand and held onto her kimono for support. “Let’s go.”

He explained everything to Fujiko as they searched the palace for Ginkaku. Eventually they found him. He was asleep, thankfully. Fujiko snatched the gourd and snuck back out of the room. Once they were far enough away, she shuddered, “Ugh, you weren’t kidding! He really is a monster!” 

“It’s worse from my perspective,” Lupin glanced up at her face, “You still haven’t explained how you got as big as him.”

“Nothing happened to me! I came back to the tunnel entrance, and you guys had run off, so I walked to the palace. I figured you were trying to keep all the treasure to yourself, not...all of that. Something must’ve happened to you three. Maybe when those girls knocked you out, there was more to that gas.”

Lupin’s brow furrowed. “That would mean Ginkaku and Kinkaku are…” 

“Regular sized freaks.” Fujiko popped the cap off the gourd, “now let’s gather their bones, poor things, and get out of this awful country.” 

“Little soon to be gathering our bones, isn't it?”

There was no mistaking Jigen’s voice, but Lupin couldn’t believe it. Fujiko looked inside and gasped, “Oh, Lupin! They’re alive! They’ve stuck their tools in the wall-oh, hold on, I’ll get you boys out!”

Fujiko began to tip the gourd to shake them into her hand, but was met with shouts, “Wait, wait! The acid!”

She held the gourd still, carefully adjusting the angle so they could climb out without the acid washing over them. 

Lupin laughed, “What a relief! I really thought I had seen the last of you, all because you were too stupid to not respond to a demon!”

“Then it seems you are the stupid one,” Goemon folded his arms over his chest. 

Jigen tilted back his hat to get a better look at the giantess he was on the hand of. “So how’d Fujiko become Fuji-zilla?” 

“Those girls who greeted us shrunk us,” Lupin explained, “I mean, we could see the palace when we entered this country, and it didn’t look big enough for monsters like the demon brothers, right? It’s all regular size!”

“Fucking hell,” Jigen was clearly at a loss for words. Not that Lupin could blame him.

“How will we return to our original size?” Goemon glanced around, but no one had an answer, so they avoided making eye contact with him.

“Hey!”

Their awkward silence was interrupted by Kinkaku and Ginkaku suddenly appearing in the doorway. “A trespasser!” 

Lupin grinned, and shouted with all his might, “Hey, Ginkaku!”

Ginkaku and Kinkaku both jolted, apparently having assumed he was killed with the rest when Kinkaku stomped on them. “Lupin?” Ginkaku responded slack jawed, and was promptly sucked into the gourd. 

“Ginkaku!”

“Ooh, I better close that so it doesn’t happen by accident,” Fujiko, needing two hands to do so, opened her kimono and dropped Jigen and Goemon inside, not noticing their protestations. 

“Why do they get to go in there but I’m stuck up here?” Lupin whined, pounding his fists against her shoulder in a tantrum throwing manner. She didn’t seem to feel it.

She put the lid back on the gourd and gasped, “I forgot what I was holding! I just always put things there! I’ll get them out-”

Before she could rummage through her bra, her arm was grabbed by Kinkaku. “You wench! I’ll make you pay for what you’ve done to my brother!” 

“Lupin, love, hold on!” Fujiko instructed sweetly before pulling her head back, then slamming it full force into Kinkaku’s. He let go of her arm and recoiled. She tossed the gourd at him. “You can go see your brother in hell, you ugly fucker!” 

She pulled out her gun and fired several shots into his abdomen. He fell to the floor with a deafening thud. She put her gun back into its holster. “You okay, Lupin?”

“Y-yep,” Lupin had just barely managed to not get knocked off. He scrambled back up to a more comfortable position. 

Fujiko reached her hand back inside her kimono and scooped out the other two, who were so red they resembled Kinkaku. She set them on her shoulder next to Lupin. Jigen was fumbling shakily with a cigarette, “I need a light.” 

Lupin held out his lighter for him, intermittently shooting glares at both of them, “you guys don’t even appreciate that you got a once in a lifetime opportunity to touch boobs the size of houses!” 

Goemon refused to face them. Jigen took a long drag before speaking, “it might not be so once in a lifetime if we’re stuck like this.”

“Maybe the treasure will cure you,” Fujiko offered, already lighting up at the thought of treasure, “In the room we saw Ginkaku, there was a beautiful chest, I bet it’s in there!”

Fujiko made her merry way back to that room, with the men on her shoulders sitting in complete silence. Lupin tried prodding at Goemon, but he refused to budge, much less face him. He had a feeling he would be disappearing for a while after this. 

There was indeed a beautiful treasure chest in the room, and with a little effort Fujiko was able to pry it open. Inside it, however, was not gems or gold, or anything dazzling. It was just a pile of white. “What is this?” Fujiko stuck a finger in it. She sniffed it and experimentally licked it. “Bleh! It’s salt! Just plain salt!” 

Lupin blinked. “Guess such an isolated nation has its own ideas of precious treasure…” 

“You’re tellin’ me we got turned into munchkins over salt?” Jigen groaned. “I’m never working with you again, you bastard.” 

“Alright, we’re leaving, I hate it here,” Fujiko huffed as she began walking away. 

“Ah! Wait, Fujiko, wait! The cure might be somewhere in the palace, we can’t leave yet!” Lupin tugged at her hair. She swatted at him. “Fujicakes! We might never get back to normal if we don’t stay! You don’t want that, do you? You’re not that cruel, are you?”

“I’m sure you’ll figure something out.”

“Bitch,” Jigen grumbled.

“If I hear one more peep out of any of you, you three can walk home!”

Once out of the country and back through the mountain entrance, they bumped into someone they had completely forgotten about.

“Fujiko Mine! Where’s Lupin?”

She pointed at her shoulder, “Right there, inspector. I’ll let you have him if you’ll give me a ride back to town.”

“Fujiko!”

Zenigata stared dumbfoundedly at the tiny thieves. Lupin stuck out his tongue at him. He fainted. Fujiko sighed.

“Men are useless.” 


End file.
